My Munchkin Minions
by KrazyKimmy
Summary: Why is Derek Landy's online army called the 'Munchkins?  I am simply exploring this little... reason for being.  WARNING: CONTAINS LORD VILE, DRY HUMOUR, AND SKULDUGGERY'S LITTLE MINIONS!XD
1. Minions

Skulduggery had just happened to stumble unto Lord Vile's lair, and was now watching him curiously, with his hands on his waist, also showing off his new waistcoat.

"Ahh, Skulduggery. I was wondering when you'd show up." Vile said without looking up

"You were.. expecting me?" Skul cocked his.. skull to one side.

"Indeed I was. You see, I would hardly be as useless to let you follow me here without noticing a live skeleton on my heals."

Skulduggery nodded grimly. "Hate to point this out to you, but I'm no where near your stinking feet."

Lord Vile looked up, irritation scrawled across his face.

Upon seeing Skulduggery, his irritation turned to confusion.

"What. Is. That?" He asked, pointing in horror.

"These?" Skulduggery held out his arms, proudly. "These are my minions."

Gathered around Skulduggery's feet, rising up to about his knee, where approxamatly 50 little people, all wearing identical outfits.

"This is my Munchkin army." Skulduggery said, proudly.

"You have an army?" Vile asked, bewildered.

"Yes. now either you give up, or they attack."

"Uhhh... no!" Vile laughed, defiantly.

"Munchkins," Skul announced, hands on his hips. "Tell Lord Vile what you'll do if he doesn't give up."

A chorus of high pitched, "bite his ears off" "nibble his ankles" "chew off his toes" rung around the cave.

Vile looked slightly unnerved, but stood his ground.

Skulduggery smiled, and raised his right arm, pointing at Lord Vile, "Munchkins; attack."

A flurry of mini minions ran at Lord Vile, who consequently started screaming in a rather high pitch voice.

"OK! OK! CALL THEM OFF, I'LL COME QUIETLY!" He yelled.

The sound of footsteps echoing off the cave walls could be heard.

Valkyrie turned up, out of breath. Upon seeing the munchkins she rolled her eyes, but smiled none the less at the sight of Vile squirming under the weight of 50 little people.

She looked at Skulduggery "You're enjoying this aren't you?"

He looked at her, and Valk thought she could sense a smile in his words, "Ooooh yes Valkyrie. Oooh yes."

The last thing Vile said before his speech was temporarily cot off by a minchkin sitting on his head, squishing his face trying to make Vile look like a fish, was "Call them off! Please, I'll be good!"

At this Skulduggery smiled, and replied, "Uh...no. I'm finding this rather amusing to tell the truth."

Vile scowled, or rather attempted to scowl.

At the moment Valkyrie thought he looked a bit like a fish.

Skul nodded to something one of the muchkins said, and an entire desk and two or three papers entitled 'evil world domination plan' were set alight. One particular minion, whom Skulduggery affectionately referred to as 'Skul Junior' was dancing upon one of Vile's desks, and at the same time was smashing Vile's collection of china statues.

As Lord Vile viciously threw the munchkin off his face, he frowned at Skulduggery, and at Valkyrie, whom was giggling at the sight of the grown man weighed down by two or three munchkins on each arm, not to mention those trying to trip him up underneath him.

Lord Vile looked daggers at Valkyrie, and stated, "This is NOT FUNNY!"

Unfortunately at this time, Vile had three munchkins hanging from each arm, and one tricky little minion had raised a banner by Vile's head - kick me. i smell bad...

Valkyrie couldn't hold in the laughter much longer, and as Vile went down under a tidalwave of munchkins, Skulduggery replied; "Actually, I'm rather enjoying it."

As a screaming Vile was dragged along by an army of munchkin minions, Valkyrie was telling Skulduggery that Scapegrace had been seen in the area.

Well, she was until she noticed the yellow monstrosity that was sitting in the parking space.

She turned to look at Skulduggery, who had his disguise on.

"What?" He said, his voice gone all high and squeaky.

"I'm walking." She stated simply.


	2. Cliches

Scapegrace laughed. "What are you going to do? Detective?" He practically spat the last word.

Skulduggery lifted his head slightly, and Valkyrie knew if he had eyes he'd be narrowing them.

Slowly, Skulduggery put down his arms. They'd been on on his hips the entire time, and his large overcoat had hid anything from behind him from the view of Scapegrace.

Scapegrace raised an eyebrow, "I thought it looked like you'd put on weight." He commented, looking at the gathering of muchkins.

"Har Har Har." Skulduggery sneered, "Where's your army oh Killer Supreme?"

Scapegrace stood straight, highly insulted. "They're going through a rough period with the decaying bodies and all. Are you seriously telling me this is an army?"

Valkyrie smiled, he would have to learn the hard way.

"These, are my munchkin minions. Be scared, be very scared."

Scapegrace raised an eyebrow, and sat down on a chair. "Ooooh Panic!" He said, lacking in enthusiasm.

"Boys. Let him have it."

The munchkins ran towards him, giggling like mad.

A shrill scream ran threw the room, as an arm was torn off the decaying zombie.

"SSTTOOPPP!" The 'Killer Supreme' shrieked, as his fingers on his remaining arm were being nibbled at.

He started whimpering, and Skulduggery took mercy on the blithering idiot. "Ok boys. That's enough."

Valkyrie looked like a startled goldfish. "But.. but... It was just getting to the good bit!"

Skulduggery turned his head to her.

Infront of them, Scapegrace was whimpering, and crying. Tears streaked down his face as he crawled towards him arm. His favourite arm. He liked that arm.

Behind Scapegrace, Skul Junior was eargerly jumping from foot to foot, wanting to finish annoying the zombie.

He couldn't wait. Skul Junior jumped upon the zombie, scaring him half to death.

When Valkyrie finally wrestled the munchkin off the prisoner, and gave him back his ear, Scapegrace was howling.

Going back to stand next to Skulduggery, an odd popping sound echoed around the room.

"Did you hear that?" She asked Skulduggery.

He was just opening his jaw to answer, when they heard it again. From infront of them.

Looking at the messy zombie, they saw both of his eyes rolling on the floor.

Valkyrie raised her eyebrows, and tried to hold back a grin.

Skulduggery turned his head to one side.

"You... you cried your eyes out." Valk stated.

She looked at Skulduggery.

Skulduggery looked at her.

They both leant their heads back and roared with laughter.

Well, at least Valkyrie did.

Skulduggery started to laugh, but when titling his head back, he caught it against his spine, and clicked it.

He stopped laughing, and attempted to say something when his head fell off.

This naturally made Valkyrie laugh even harder when she found that Skulduggery had laughed his head off.

"Skulduggery. You laughed your head off!" Valkyrie commented.

"Valkyrie. Stop laughing and pick up my head."

She looked at the Skull on the floor. "What's up Skulduggery. You look a bit down!"

Even the muchkins joined in her laughter, their eerily high voices echoing her laughs.

"Seriously. Pick me up."

Valkyrie stopped laughing, and composed herself. "Pick up your head?" She asked, disgusted.

"Yes. Be a good girl and pick up my head."

She frowned, "It's a skull. No."

"It's my skull, its a very nice skull, yes."

"It's not your's. Yours was stolen by goblins. That's a skull. I'm not touching it."

Skulduggery's jaw clicked against the marble floor as he ground his teeth in annoyance.

"Look Valkyrie. Just pick me up. Put me back on my body."

"But It's a SKULL. I don't think your quite getting it. a SKULL. a horrible, quite possibly covered in those little white hairs, and flaking skull skin, SKULL. Hell no am I touching it!"

Skulduggery looked up at her, and opened and closed his mouth until he had crawled his way along the floor so he was by her feet.

"Get your body to pick you up." She suggested.

"I don't want to kick myself." He said indignantly.

"Well I'm not touching that." She pointed at the eerie talking skull that lay on her foot.

"Please Valkyrie. Not infront of the prisoner. Just pick me up."

Valkyrie looked at Scapegrace, who was desperately trying to put his eyes in.

A lone eyeball rolled across the floor.

"Hey? Who turned the lights out?" Skulduggery asked, as the eyeball fitted itself into Skul's eye socket.

"Scapegrace." Valkyrie said absently.

"Ewww! His eye's in my eye socket. That's... disgusting."

A skeleton in a pinstripe suit leant down and kicked a skull.

"OWWWWWW!"

The sound of bone against bone could be heard for several minutes. Until the even stranger sound of bone clicking against bone could be heard and Skulduggery was back.

Valkyrie looked rather unsure, and sick.

Skulduggery clicked his head to the right, and then raised his head around till he was facing left. Instead of clicking, it fell off.

"Oh for the love of the Elders!" He swore.

The sound of high pitched discussion could be heard, and before Valkyrie could object, Scapegrace was being taken to the Bentley.

She had to tap Skul Junior on the shoulder, as he had started to carry off a very familiar looking skul.

.

A clicking could be heard, and Skulduggery walked up behind her.

"Thank you for your assistance then." He said as he wandered off.

"Welcome!" She sung back.

She went to sit in the front of the Bentley only to find Scapegrace there. In the back about twenty munchkins were squished together.

She flicked opened her phone, "Fletcher?"


	3. Cain Junior or Cain?

This was a collaboration between me and Valkyrie4Eva. Or Valkyrie4Ever. However she spelt it. Anyway; we've been sitting on this for a while, and so um... Enjoy! xD

* * *

Skulduggery heard a noise outside.

_tap tap tap._

"Footsteps. Interesting" Skul murmured. He sat up on his sofa and summoned the minions.

About 50 little people who are as tall as Skulduggery's knee, all wearing identical outfits.

He called them his 'Munchkin army'.

They were told to wait by the front door and they waited rather anxiously as to whether the intruder will break in or not. One munchkin, who Skulduggery referred to as 'skul junior', barged his way to the front of the line giggling quite happily to himself. Another few Munchkin's tried to be at the front but were all forced back.

The door opened slowly and a figure tried to step through.

When the door was finally open all the way they attacked. The figure just stood still.

"Skulduggery can you _please _get your bloody munchkin's off of me?" He asked as Skulduggery came into the hall.

"Ah Ghastly. So good of you to drop by. But why were you trying to break into my house?"

"Ravel asked me to break into your house,"

"Why did Ravel ask you to break into my house?"

"Because he's the Grand Mage"

"That has nothing to do with it!"

"Alright he didn't ask but I wanted to be quiet so hopefully you wouldn't notice. OW! Can you get this thing off my arm before he chews it off?"

"Munchkin's leave. Skul-junior let go of his arm,"

"Thank you. Now I need a big favour. OW! Get this thing off my leg!"

"Junior I said let go of his arm. That didn't mean bite his leg. What kind of favour?" Skul-junior reluctantly let go of Ghastly's leg and stood beside Skulduggery, who patted his head.

"I need to borrow a Munchkin," Ghastly said. Skulduggery went quiet.

"Why?"

"Because Madam Mist is driving me up the wall! So I was hoping if you let me borrow one I could to scare her into shutting up once in a while. I want her to leave me alone!"

"Ooh Ghastly's got a crush. Yes you can borrow a munchkin but not Skul junior. I'm rather quite attached to him. But help yourself to any other."

"Thanks Skul." Ghastly looked around. "That one?"

"Oh no sorry you can't have Valkyrie junior,"

Ghastly pointed to another "That one?"

"Not Pleasant junior!"

"Well what about that one!"

"They do have names you know! And no, you can't have Ghastly junior either."

"Heh. Attractive fellow isn't he? Did you give them all names?"

"How else am I going to tell which one is which and know what each one gets up to?"

Ghastly thought for a moment then pointed at another one.

"Do you really want Fletcher junior?"

"Uh. No. How about that one?"

"Bespoke junior is currently grounded after trying to edit one of my suits."

"Typical. But, how are you sure that's a Bespoke?"

"That is his name,"

"Oh." Ghastly frowned, then shook his head. Never try to figure out Skulduggery logic. "What about her then?"

"Oh boy. No, Tanith will not be engaged in your private services." Skul put his head in his hands.

"Who knows what you'll do with her." He added as an afterthought.

"What about her then?" Ghastly was tired of this game by now.

"What? Cain junior? No. She's worse then the real Cain," Skul thought for a moment as Ghastly crossed his arms. "You _can_ have Cain though."

Ghastly raised an eyebrow. "Is Cain different to Cain junior?"

"Oh yes." Skul nodded, as a particular human minion came out the kitchen eating a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

"Ghastly, meet Cain."

"Huh?" Valkyrie stopped dead, wondering if Skul had gone mad.

"Feel free to let her commit crime, steal, and beat people up. She has a soft spot for Scapegrace. You may want to keep an eye on her around him. Just make sure you get her home by 10."

"'Kay" Ghastly began to shepherd her out the house.

"Do I get a say in this?" Asked Valkyrie as she was shoved into the closed door by a certain tailor.

"No," Skulduggery said.

"I'm not even a Munchkin!" she said angrily

"No but you're a minion. Hehe. Minions obey. They don't question. That's what naughty people do." Skul teased.

"Oh. OK." Valkyrie obediently walked out the door while Skulduggery then proceeded to hide behind the sofa.

"Err, Skul?" asked Ghastly. "What the hell are you doing?"

A muffled response came from the sofa.

"OK. Well… thanks and-" Ghastly began, but he was cut off by a shattering of window glass and a load bang as a certain Bentley threw through the window.

Valkyrie stood outside looking very pleased with herself.

"Tanith," She smiled, "I can never thank you enough for showing me how to do that. And you don't get to give me a curfew Skul,"

She then proceeded to sit down on the sofa, finish her bag of crisps, and watch the end of Eastenders.

"Want a crisp?" she asked Skulduggery holding the packet out to him.

If skeletons could cry, he was. "…My baby!"


	4. Unfortunate hair and a Zombie

Blame any spelling mistakes on my immense tiredness. PS- if i fail my GCSE's because I'm writing too many fanfic's- I'm blaming you lot! LOL.

xD Happy readings!

* * *

"Beware! You cannot escape the killer supreme!" The ridiculous man said.

"Oh no." Skulduggery said very unenthusiastically. "It's the Zombie King. Everybody hide." He said dryly.

"You'd better!" Vaurien Scapegrace threatened, as his yellow smiley-face air freshener blew around his neck in the wind.

A snicker came from behind Skulduggery.

"What was that?" The Killer Supreme demanded, craning to see over Skulduggery's hat and behind his coat.

"You know, I might just leave you up here." Skulduggery commented as yet another seagull landed on Vaurien's head, hoping for a snack from the man that smelt like raw pork.

"You wouldn't dectective. I'm too evil to be allowed lose!" Scapegrace howled to the wind, and threw his head back as he let out an evil laugh.

That was it for the minions, they couldn't stand there and take it anymore.

They all started to rush forward, but Skul put out his leg, and stopped most of them.

Renn Junior, a little lad with unfortunate hair, however; managed to get past Skul, and was currently climbing up the Killer Supreme, and when he had perched comforably on the man's shoulder (The Zombie King was still cackling obliviously) started to tickle his throat with a feather.

"Some Minions just don't know whats good for them." Skulduggery muttered to the rest of the group.

"Huh?" Vaurien asked, feeling the odd sensation of a soft feather and skin being peeled off all at once.

"Renn Junior! Get off of that at once!" Skulduggery shouted, "You don't know where it's been!"

The minion stopped, horrified.

It turned to look at the Zombie, and the pair stood for a matter of seconds, taking each other in.

Renn Junior saw a rotting, living corpse.

Scapegrace saw a little elven creature, in a blue pin-stripe suit, with pointy ears and unfortunate hair.

They both screamed.

Renn Junior tried to jump off Scapegrace, but the Zombie King stepped backwards, in a vain attempt of getting away from the minon.

"Damn. Why do we always have to meet on hilltops- right by the frikkin' edge?" Skulduggery asked, running to see over the cliff-top.

"Renn!" He shouted.

"REEEEEEEEEEENN!" He yelled again, provabial tears welling in his eye sockets.

Skulduggery sat down on the edge of the cliff, and crossed his legs.

He turned to Fletcher Junior, who was anxiously peering over the edge of the cliff.

"He might have had awful hair, but he was like a son to me." Skul admitted.

"Zombie King." A chatter came from a minion.

"Zombie king, zombie king, smelly king zombie king." A chorus started up around the group of minions.

Only one Minion would be as childish as to start that kind of offence against someone.

Skulduggery stood up, and looked over the edge.

There, hanging onto a vine, he had somehow previously overlooked the little guy, singing quietly to himself, as he stroked his hair with a zombie's arm.

"zombie king, zombie king, smelly king, zomb- Skull-skull!" The little guy cheered when he saw skulduggery.

"Urgh!" Skulduggery commented. "You either drop that arm, or I'll leave you there."

The minion bared his teeth.

Skulduggery thought, "I'll cut your hair."

The minion immediately dropped the arm.

A shout of protest could be heard as an arm dropped on a certain zombie's head.

A snicker went around the group as the rest of the minion's watched Scapegrace attempt to reattach his arm.

Skulduggery fondly lifted up Renn Junior, and tussled his hair.

"Skull-skull canary car?" Renn Junior eagerly asked for his reward for saving the world from the killer supreme.

Skulduggery smiled as he thought of his plans to take Valkyrie to the sanctuary that afternoon.

"Why not? For the whole day, yeah?"


End file.
